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It was taken in a gas station stall in Pontiac, Illinois. The poet obviously put some great thought into this so I think its best to share his work with the world.

Speaking of dingleberries, allow me to tell you an absolutely horrible story that will disgust and repel you. The other day, I'm taking a shit right before I hit the shower.

So I wipe up, get off the pot, hop in the shower, and immediately start soaping my ass to get any and excess excess poop out of the crevice.

I did a lousy job wiping, so a little ball of shit lands at the edge of the shower, far away from the drain.

This horrified me. I didn't want to spend any longer sharing the shower with the speck of poop than need be, so I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to redirect the stream of the shower so that it would sweep up the shitball and whisk it to the drain.

So I stood there for at least ten minutes trying to guide the poop to the drain. This happens to me at least once a month. I wish showers had better drainage systems.

Also, I'm a repugnant human being. Why do football announcers always have to include the five yard line in their call of a long run, punt return, kickoff return, or pick-6?

They will shout something along the lines of, "He's at the 40! The 30! The 20! They squeeze it in there every time.

The 25 gets no love. They should rename the five-yard line the GAY for that very reason. He's at the 40! Then 10!

I think throwing the five in there also helps build up the sexual release. He's teasing you. It's a real cool trick.

Is there a more nerve-racking chore to perform than putting dishes away while the kids are sleeping? It's not possible to even SET a plate on top of another without it sounding like a gunshot echoing through the house.

Here's how you can make your million dollars: invent silent dishes. I've long argued with my wife that we should use paper plates and paper cups until the children are at least They make no noise.

I don't have to wash them. And no one is in danger of fucking breaking them. But nooooooo, we have to live like civilized folk!

Even the plastic dishes sound like snare drums when I stack them. I am a naturally loud human being. I don't mean that I spend all day yelling at the top of my lungs, but I tend to make noise whenever I move.

I'm big, so my footsteps are loud. I sometimes inadvertently close doors too hard, causing them to make a slamming sound. I fart.

I'm just naturally loud, even when I'm trying not to be. Now, my wife is the precise opposite of this. And so, my life has devolved into little more than my wife telling me that I'm being too fucking loud, especially when the kids are asleep.

My counterargument is that the kids need to learn to sleep through mild noises. It toughens them up.

But I always lose that argument. One time I closed a cabinet door too hard and my wife got mad at me and I was finally like, "Will you just leave me be?

I'm not a goddamn cat burglar. I can't always keep quiet. Accept me for my loud fartiness. But now I've become a tightass when it comes to noise.

So like, when houseguests come over and the kids are sleeping, I have to bitch at THEM to not be too noisy, lest they wake up the precious, precious children.

And that makes me feel like a douche. Kids shouldn't grow ears until age It's not like they use them to listen anyway. Is it weird that when I get in bed, I imagine myself teaching a class about how to sleep.

And not a preschool or something, I mean a full lecture hall of students who are paying an exorbitant amount of money to be touched by my sleeping wisdom.

I lecture on everything: keeping the sheets untucked for optimal nocturnal leg mobility, comforter placement up to the neck, and a blanket horizontally located across my chest.

I sleep with a fan on so in the winter I mentally explain to my "students" how to maximize the cold air to comfort ratio.

I guarantee I have run through every single variable imaginable at least once in my life. Jesus, that's brilliant. I'm totally gonna use that technique to fall asleep now.

It beats my old technique of tying a plastic bag around my head, which my wife deemed unsafe. Whenever I'm on the verge of falling asleep, I'll notice that my brain will, at some point, begin to conjure up dreamlike images: purple swans, brunches with Elvis Costello, etc.

Shit that doesn't make any real sense. I won't be asleep quite yet, but I'm not entirely awake, so I can kind of consciously KNOW that I'm about to finally fall asleep, which is always of great relief to me.

So whenever I can't fall asleep, I take great pains to picture as much random shit in my head as possible, so that my brain will catch my drift: fighting monkeys, centaurs wearing monocles, a beach ball with human legs.

I resent that I have to exert that much imagination just to fall asleep. I should really start taking Ambien. On other thing I noticed when I was napping the other day was that I fall asleep faster if I leave my mouth open.

Read into that what you will. A few weeks ago, I was riding my bike to catch a long distance bus to Denver. Yes, you guessed it.

I'm a poor college student. On the way, I hit some gravel, skidded, and ate shit fairly extensively, banging my shins on the bike pedals and letting my hands and hairline scape on the asphalt.

I picked myself up and recovered enough to get back on the bike and make it to the station on time. Once on the bus though, the pain began to set in, and I realized that there was blood slowly trickling down my forehead into my eye, in addition to some seeping through my pant legs.

Without a bathroom on the bus, there was no way to clean it up and I sat there, sweaty and bloodied like Rambo, fully expecting some buxom woman to come up, daintily asking me if I wanted to borrow her white blouse to wipe my forehead clean.

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If he is looking after his mother while your away he is doing you a favour keeping it in the family. Back in early April '71 just 5 days before easter, I'd celebrated my 10th birthday with just my mom, who'd turned 32 just 2 weeks before.

Since my dad had to work on a big project, he couldn't be there, that was just as well, he'd never been there for me anyway, they'd got divorce in October ' When me, and my mom celebrated my double digit birthday, she'd let me go bathing suit shopping at this surplus store, I'd picked out this skin tight black bathing suit, with 3 stripes on either side, silver orange silver.

My mom had even got me a pair of skin tight black short shorts, they were really made for girls, my mom got me them anyway. Then when we sat down, we'd both caressed each other, then when I'd noticed her tummy had gotten squishy between her bra, and panties, I'd said "I know you aren't pregnant, or anything, can I feel your tummy?

Lying sack of crap! You were next door molesting the 8-year old son of your neighbor's! We know that what you really like is a mouth full of c-o-c-k!

One picture from August '60 showed her in a 2 piece bathing suit, smiling the day she'd found out she was a little over a month pregnant with me, feeling the front of her bathing suit bottoms, and had showed off her still flat tummy.

The second picture from around thanksgiving '60 had showed her in maternity panties, stretched a little higher over her then blossoming tummy, and her bra was also a little larger.

The third picture from around valentine's day '61 had showed off very little of her lovely round tummy, when she'd posed in her bra, and big huge maternity panties.

There were more pictures of my mom from that time, these pictures were just my favorites, her flip hairdo in one of those pictures was sort of sexy.

Back in early October '72, I was 11 and in 5th grade, held back in 2nd grade for nothing! My mom was 33 then, when I'd got home from school, before I took a bath, she'd said "Sweety, how do you feel about a little sister, little brother around the house?

When I'm done, can I feel the baby? Both my mom, and me went in her bedroom, she'd did a hand job on my underpants, I'd felt the front of her panties for the baby.

The beach we were at was in a remote area of this small lake. Nobody else was there that day, it was just us.

Because of the water jets being on so strong, nobody else saw me rubbing myself in the hot tub that day. What I'd saw of her tummy that morning, was still nice, and flat, just below her bra.

Just when I'd woke up, there she'd stood, in front of the mirror, feeling her baby, when she'd said "Sweety, look, my tummy's just barely starting to grow big, isn't that exciting?

Can I feel? By the time my mom had reached 12 weeks pregnant, she'd started wearing maternity outfits. One of my favorite outfits she'd wore, when she was pregnant that fall, was kind of a dress, it even doubled as a bathing suit, it was a bandeau, panty shorts, and a removeable sheer seethrough coverup, it was almost like a sheer nightgown.

Over the thanksgiving weekend, we'd stayed at a hotel, there we were both at the pool, she'd wore only the panty shorts, and bandeau, she didn't have much of a tummy, what less I saw of her tummy, was then almost flat, her waistband was higher than usual, as this was a maternity outfit.

Then my mom wanted to go back inside our hotel room, it was at night, she let me stay out a little more till 10 oclock.

Who's that? Your mom? Is she going to have a baby? She sort of looks it, even in that 2 piece swimsuit, 'cause she keeps feeling her tummy there!

She's 12 weeks pregnant. The 14 year old kid whispered "How does she look in her underwear, if you don't mind? When we ate dinner in our hotel room, she'd had on my favorite maternity clothes, bandeau, and panty shorts, I'd had on her favorite clothes, a speedo.

Then after we ate, we were in the inroom spa, there we both felt so intimate with each other that night, I'd felt my mom's ex boyfriend's baby growing inside of her.

Then my mom had also did a hand job on my speedo, when we were in the spa, and that felt so good. We gone to the same remote area of beach by that small lake, when my mom was 5 weeks pregnant in her bikini back in October ' When I was out in the middle of that lake, she'd flashed me with her coverup by taking it off, first I'd felt awkward, because her tummy had grown round in only her panty shorts, and bandeau.

No, like last time, no other people were around. Sometimes I'd felt irritated that I should've been in 6th grade that year, and not 5th grade, being held back in 2nd grade for nothing was why!

The Wednesday after easter Sunday , my dad had gone off for couple of days, at then 10 I was in my tight stretchy squarecut bathing suit, ready for swimming at my friend's house, I'd seen my mom then 29 in her bikini bra, and short shorts, all luscious, and slim.

I'd seen how she'd stared at herself in the mirror, patted the front of her shorts, it made my erection suddenly wiggle hard in my bathing suit.

I'd looked the other way, when she'd turned at me, and said "Want to feel my baby? Then when she sat down, her then still flat belly had made a double roll, that was when she'd rubbed my bathing suit erection, when I'd felt her baby.

At around 2 months pregnant, she didn't even look it. Growing up, when my dad had been alot of times away from home, my mom had bared her body around me, I'd gotten hard erections even at 4 years old.

It was back in summer , I was 10, my mom was almost 7 months pregnant at 29, and it was the first time in months my dad was away from home.

My mom's then round belly was kind of small for close to 7 months pregnant, when I'd got home from school in early September one day, my mom had flashed me with her blouse lifted up, out came the belly panel of her maternity skirt, baring very little bit of her belly, and what little she'd showed of her bra under her blouse.

When I felt the belly panel of her skirt, my erection suddenly wiggled hard in my short shorts. Then I went to my room, took my shirt off, and had rubbed myself down there.

Then when I'd got started on my homework, my erection happened again, when my mom had come in my room, and said "Want to feel the baby some more?

We lived in Wimbledon when we were in London. When buying underwear, I always took my year-old son into the fitting room with me.

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